I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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