i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Randomize
