Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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