Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
