Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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