Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
