i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
being pregnant is like rehab
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
