And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
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He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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