I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
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since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
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My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
try to milk me bitch
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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