My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
where are you?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
How external is "for external use only"?
My liver just had a heart attack.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.