We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text