Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
