i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Randomize
