When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
