He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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