I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
