last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
