She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
