How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Randomize
