theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
