Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
