After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
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Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
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This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
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