What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
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