Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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