omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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