i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
