His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize