either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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