The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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