How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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