He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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