its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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