Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Randomize
