the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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