i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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