i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
