38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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