Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
