I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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