vagina is talking i cant
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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