Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
