remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
