So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
