if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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