I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
