Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Randomize
