If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Randomize
