I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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