I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
