i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
