Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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