Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
