I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
now i know why i became what i already was.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
