mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
