Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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