hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
