Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
