I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
